Anonymous1: I may not look it but I went to an art school, y'know
And I stole like, eight crates of acrylic before I tripped the alarm
Anywho, what can I do for ya, pal?
[Verse 1]
You look like a fine, upstanding island representative
The kind to understand an enterprise when they're presented with
Access to a wonderland of fine authentic decoratives
Except that there’s just a chance you might detect they’re edited
It’s nothing underhanded, why, it’s simple etiquette
Someone’s gotta lose or else a price is not competitive
I may be discredited but you need some art exhibits
And I’m the only guy upon this island who is selling it
Got a little bit of post-impressionism
Neoclassical, surrealism, art nouveau, oh
But if you hit me with a host of questions
Quizzing, be all asking if it's real? Well, it's hard to know
But it probably is, would I lie to you?
After all we're cousins, I've decided
Ooh, you want a statue? I got a whole load in this old boat
If they don't go then the hull might smash through
[Chorus]
Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions, no receipts
Refund laws may stand on land
But not transactions planned at sea
So if you’ve a gallery lacking in a masterpiece
Head down to the beach
I wouldn’t cheat ya, pal, we’re family
[Verse 2]
You want the Venus De Milo for Nook Miles? Oh please
Think a Donatello's gonna fall out of an oak tree?
Think another barge is gonna barge in, back end of your garden
With a better bargain? There won’t be
Got a sweet deal on a real Michelangelo
Go to a guy in a van for my Van Goghs
Can't be picky when you're picking a Picasso
Doesn't even matter when you're painting where your hand goes
Screw your turnips, I can turn a profit taking turns
At taking turners and turning them to takings
Earning paper from discerning patrons
No returns or trade-ins, all these bargains I got for yous
Here's a Lautrec that I'd hate Toulouse
Buy it, you ain’t got all day to peruse
Try it and I’ll make you pay per the view
You haven't got the money for a Manet or Matisse
But I probably got a Monet, you can have it on the cheap
I got Millet by the million, it’s more than I can keep
So you really better buy 'em or I’ll toss 'em in the deep
You bought your Hieronymus Bosch outright?
Gosh, how nice, want advice?
You coulda bought a lotta Botticellis
From the fella at the jetty for a knock-down price
Kandinsky? Can-do-ski!
Got a line on a fine one back in New Leaf
Got a whole back room of own-brand Rembrandts
Here's a Vermeer! Don’t look at the jewellery
All the greatest artists ever known, sailing round your Archipelago
Who needs authentication when there’s a saving?
Owl’s on his way? Then I’d better go
[Interlude]
Hoo, what? Upon close examination of this painting
I have grave news to share with you
This work of art is a fake!
What kind of wretched scoundrel would commit
Such fraudulent forgery to canvas?
Oh, that hurts
[Chorus]
Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions, no receipts
Refund laws may stand on land
But not transactions planned at sea
So if you’ve a gallery lacking in a masterpiece
Head down to the beach
I wouldn’t cheat ya, pal, we’re family
[Verse 3]
Can’t afford all the money I charge?
Forgery? Nah, it’s a loving homage
Felon I’m not, I’m a renaissance fox
Honestly only a little at large
So don’t be frugal, buy that Bruegel, I got Degas for days
Cézanne's in season, sure
That Seurat would look great at your place
'Cause I got a lotta costs to offset
Spent a lotta dollar on that Bob Ross box set
So any members of the management
Might have a happy little accident if they object
To my entrepreneurial oeuvre
Largely consisting of raiding the Louvre
Taking the paintings and tracing the loot
Then passing the savings directly to you
Often my copies are just so convincing
I'll quite accidentally sell the original
Though letting residents purchase the evidence
Saves me from shredding ‘em, plus they’re the criminal
Say I’m a fake and it hurts
Say I’m just after a way to your purse
Say that to my face? You’ll save on the hearse
You don’t need a wake for a Damien Hirst
So if your podunk little home wants cultural acclaim
There’s just one choice of vendor, friend
And Crazy Redd’s the name
But if you are dissatisfied and someone gets the blame
You can canvas all my customers, they’ll tell ya I was framed
[Outro]
Tom Nook here with an island announcement
An unscrupulous character has been seen lingering at
The back of the island, do not talk to him, alright?
Hey, that's my cue to go but, uh
That eight-foot stone head you ordered?
Yeah, I'll mail it to ya, how big's your mailbox?
[Verse 1]
They say of the fable that businessmen croon
That dog may eat dog but he pays the raccoon
Filling up the coffers, billing up the otters, watching them squirm
Yes, lions and tigers and bears owe my firm
I've made mountains from founding these half-finished villages
Run-down little towns that I fill up with idiots
Declare one the Mayor, flair their ego a little bit
Charge them with fixing it then charge for the privilege
You buy land at a high deposit when I drop profitable hovels on it
Each island is like a wallet ‘cause
I got the whole place in my pocket
You crank the land value with every little bit of spit and polish
If I get a better tenant than you
Well, thank you! Everything’s demolished
It's about time I took some more payments from your good selves
I'm just balancing the books
But I'm still waiting on the bookshelves
You promised you'd build me once you'd patched the fence
Don't like it? Then bill me, I'll just add it to the rent
[Chorus]
Never seen a game so twee but there's administration fees
For this little haven we chiselled from complacency
And we pay it gratefully, slaving every day for the
Price tag attached to the back of our New Horizon
[Verse 2]
Raccoon in a tie that racked up a tycoon
Can't handle my mess? You'd best stick with Splatoon
You'll be knee-deep in seashells before we hit noon
And that's hardly a dent in the debt you've accrued
You may wonder why we keep moving around
The houses you buy aren't that structurally sound
A few years will lapse, they collapse to the ground
And these suckers cough up for another new town!
You call me amoral? Is that what you think?
Well, at least I’ve not driven my assistant to drink
Poor, dear, little Isabelle is caught in a living Hell
It's fishing and yard work, not building a citadel
Overworked, underpaid, that poor little Shih Tzu
Managing a bunch of animals, I guess it really is a-
I guess you see the pun there
Some Mayor you turned out to be, if I do say so
How fitting, in a town full of critters
That the only human is the scapegoat
[Chorus]
Never seen a game so twee but there's administration fees
For this little haven we chiselled from complacency
And we pay it gratefully, slaving every day for the
Price tag attached to the back of our New Horizon
[Bridge]
Extortion has seldom been so inoffensive
No matter the tax and whatever the rent is
They flock and they herd just to pay their expenses
With no picket lines 'cept a few garden fences
Read between the lines and you might find the margins
So, eat up the jargon, don’t argue the bargains
Or I’ll add a "No Pets" clause, it wouldn’t be hard and
I’ll have every resident live in the garden
[Chorus]
Never seen a game so twee but there's administration fees
For this little haven we chiselled from complacency
And you pay it gratefully, slaving every day for the
Price tag I've slapped on the back of your New Horizon
[Outro]
Right, rent's due
And I think you owe me some nuts or fruit or fish or something
Anonymous3(1): [Verse 1]
Get home from an expedition
And the phone on my desk is ringing
Sounds like a friend with a special mission
Found an astounding exhibition
Packed my things and I flapped my wings
Excited to find what the campsite brings
There’s a brand-new island for analysing
And this chap’s flying in to track findings
Natural history is my domain
Extinct little trinkets and giant remains
I don’t know though, might think again
I think that’s a Dodo flying the plane!
Now I’ve had a jolly holiday in Zanzibar
But this sabbatical is practically spectacular
From above, it is honestly a bit bizarre
How the island is improbably rectangular
Pioneering new frontiers! But what should I expect?
Exploring tropic flora? Newfound fauna to inspect?
To ply my palaeontology, to prospect and erect
A repository for fossils for each fish and each inse-
Eugh! No, no!
[Hook]
You got a village that needs assistance
Expertise and seasoned wisdom
Want to learn? Take a seat and listen
This bird is the word on the ecosystem
Squeal with glee at each acquisition
Who says you can’t teach facts with fiction?
This museum has a speaker system
Pumping out beats ‘bout your ecosystem
[Verse 2]
On briny waters, I’m quite astute
And dinosaurs I’m a fine who’s hoo!
But when we all live with tigers too
It might be awkward to try a zoo
Head down the stairs and you’ll see scores
Of dunkleosteus and plesiosaurs!
The fish are all down the right-hand hall
And on the left are the creepy crawl-
Uh no, never mind!
You can quiz me with your queries on aquariums
You’ll nary see so vibrant or varied a vivarium
There’s no greater a curator or librarian
Just beware of all the horrors housed in the solarium
So if you’ve been a-digging or a-fishing in the sea
Then pluck up your discoveries and shuttle them to me
But if you want to know about the birds and bees
This bird prefers that the bees would leave!
Look, I understand all the important work they do for the planet
I just wish they’d do it somewhere else!
[Hook]
You got a village that needs assistance
Expertise and seasoned wisdom
Want to learn? Take a seat and listen
This bird is the word on the ecosystem
Squeal with glee at each acquisition
Who says you can’t teach facts with fiction?
This museum has a speaker system
Pumping out beats ‘bout your ecosystem
[Bridge]
Yes, all things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
Are collated and notated
And displayed within our halls
From mighty titan ancestors
To wretched scuttling things
Invited, if reluctantly
Inside these hallowed wings
And though bugs may be repulsive
I will put up with the fainting
If heinous abominations
Pave the way to taking paintings
The masterworks of artists
Throughout all history
Inexplicably displayed
Upon an island out at sea
[Hook]
You got a village that needs assistance
Expertise and seasoned wisdom
Want to learn? Take a seat and listen
This bird is the word on the ecosystem
Squeal with glee at each acquisition
Who says you can’t teach facts with fiction?
This museum has a speaker system
Pumping out beats ‘bout your ecosystem
You got a village that needs assistance
Expertise and seasoned wisdom
Want to learn? Take a seat and listen
This bird is the word on the ecosystem
Sworn by noblest tradition
Organising organisms
This museum has a speaker system
Pumping out beats ‘bout your ecosystem
And I stole like, eight crates of acrylic before I tripped the alarm
Anywho, what can I do for ya, pal?
[Verse 1]
You look like a fine, upstanding island representative
The kind to understand an enterprise when they're presented with
Access to a wonderland of fine authentic decoratives
Except that there’s just a chance you might detect they’re edited
It’s nothing underhanded, why, it’s simple etiquette
Someone’s gotta lose or else a price is not competitive
I may be discredited but you need some art exhibits
And I’m the only guy upon this island who is selling it
Got a little bit of post-impressionism
Neoclassical, surrealism, art nouveau, oh
But if you hit me with a host of questions
Quizzing, be all asking if it's real? Well, it's hard to know
But it probably is, would I lie to you?
After all we're cousins, I've decided
Ooh, you want a statue? I got a whole load in this old boat
If they don't go then the hull might smash through
[Chorus]
Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions, no receipts
Refund laws may stand on land
But not transactions planned at sea
So if you’ve a gallery lacking in a masterpiece
Head down to the beach
I wouldn’t cheat ya, pal, we’re family
[Verse 2]
You want the Venus De Milo for Nook Miles? Oh please
Think a Donatello's gonna fall out of an oak tree?
Think another barge is gonna barge in, back end of your garden
With a better bargain? There won’t be
Got a sweet deal on a real Michelangelo
Go to a guy in a van for my Van Goghs
Can't be picky when you're picking a Picasso
Doesn't even matter when you're painting where your hand goes
Screw your turnips, I can turn a profit taking turns
At taking turners and turning them to takings
Earning paper from discerning patrons
No returns or trade-ins, all these bargains I got for yous
Here's a Lautrec that I'd hate Toulouse
Buy it, you ain’t got all day to peruse
Try it and I’ll make you pay per the view
You haven't got the money for a Manet or Matisse
But I probably got a Monet, you can have it on the cheap
I got Millet by the million, it’s more than I can keep
So you really better buy 'em or I’ll toss 'em in the deep
You bought your Hieronymus Bosch outright?
Gosh, how nice, want advice?
You coulda bought a lotta Botticellis
From the fella at the jetty for a knock-down price
Kandinsky? Can-do-ski!
Got a line on a fine one back in New Leaf
Got a whole back room of own-brand Rembrandts
Here's a Vermeer! Don’t look at the jewellery
All the greatest artists ever known, sailing round your Archipelago
Who needs authentication when there’s a saving?
Owl’s on his way? Then I’d better go
[Interlude]
Hoo, what? Upon close examination of this painting
I have grave news to share with you
This work of art is a fake!
What kind of wretched scoundrel would commit
Such fraudulent forgery to canvas?
Oh, that hurts
[Chorus]
Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions, no receipts
Refund laws may stand on land
But not transactions planned at sea
So if you’ve a gallery lacking in a masterpiece
Head down to the beach
I wouldn’t cheat ya, pal, we’re family
[Verse 3]
Can’t afford all the money I charge?
Forgery? Nah, it’s a loving homage
Felon I’m not, I’m a renaissance fox
Honestly only a little at large
So don’t be frugal, buy that Bruegel, I got Degas for days
Cézanne's in season, sure
That Seurat would look great at your place
'Cause I got a lotta costs to offset
Spent a lotta dollar on that Bob Ross box set
So any members of the management
Might have a happy little accident if they object
To my entrepreneurial oeuvre
Largely consisting of raiding the Louvre
Taking the paintings and tracing the loot
Then passing the savings directly to you
Often my copies are just so convincing
I'll quite accidentally sell the original
Though letting residents purchase the evidence
Saves me from shredding ‘em, plus they’re the criminal
Say I’m a fake and it hurts
Say I’m just after a way to your purse
Say that to my face? You’ll save on the hearse
You don’t need a wake for a Damien Hirst
So if your podunk little home wants cultural acclaim
There’s just one choice of vendor, friend
And Crazy Redd’s the name
But if you are dissatisfied and someone gets the blame
You can canvas all my customers, they’ll tell ya I was framed
[Outro]
Tom Nook here with an island announcement
An unscrupulous character has been seen lingering at
The back of the island, do not talk to him, alright?
Hey, that's my cue to go but, uh
That eight-foot stone head you ordered?
Yeah, I'll mail it to ya, how big's your mailbox?
[Verse 1]
They say of the fable that businessmen croon
That dog may eat dog but he pays the raccoon
Filling up the coffers, billing up the otters, watching them squirm
Yes, lions and tigers and bears owe my firm
I've made mountains from founding these half-finished villages
Run-down little towns that I fill up with idiots
Declare one the Mayor, flair their ego a little bit
Charge them with fixing it then charge for the privilege
You buy land at a high deposit when I drop profitable hovels on it
Each island is like a wallet ‘cause
I got the whole place in my pocket
You crank the land value with every little bit of spit and polish
If I get a better tenant than you
Well, thank you! Everything’s demolished
It's about time I took some more payments from your good selves
I'm just balancing the books
But I'm still waiting on the bookshelves
You promised you'd build me once you'd patched the fence
Don't like it? Then bill me, I'll just add it to the rent
[Chorus]
Never seen a game so twee but there's administration fees
For this little haven we chiselled from complacency
And we pay it gratefully, slaving every day for the
Price tag attached to the back of our New Horizon
[Verse 2]
Raccoon in a tie that racked up a tycoon
Can't handle my mess? You'd best stick with Splatoon
You'll be knee-deep in seashells before we hit noon
And that's hardly a dent in the debt you've accrued
You may wonder why we keep moving around
The houses you buy aren't that structurally sound
A few years will lapse, they collapse to the ground
And these suckers cough up for another new town!
You call me amoral? Is that what you think?
Well, at least I’ve not driven my assistant to drink
Poor, dear, little Isabelle is caught in a living Hell
It's fishing and yard work, not building a citadel
Overworked, underpaid, that poor little Shih Tzu
Managing a bunch of animals, I guess it really is a-
I guess you see the pun there
Some Mayor you turned out to be, if I do say so
How fitting, in a town full of critters
That the only human is the scapegoat
[Chorus]
Never seen a game so twee but there's administration fees
For this little haven we chiselled from complacency
And we pay it gratefully, slaving every day for the
Price tag attached to the back of our New Horizon
[Bridge]
Extortion has seldom been so inoffensive
No matter the tax and whatever the rent is
They flock and they herd just to pay their expenses
With no picket lines 'cept a few garden fences
Read between the lines and you might find the margins
So, eat up the jargon, don’t argue the bargains
Or I’ll add a "No Pets" clause, it wouldn’t be hard and
I’ll have every resident live in the garden
[Chorus]
Never seen a game so twee but there's administration fees
For this little haven we chiselled from complacency
And you pay it gratefully, slaving every day for the
Price tag I've slapped on the back of your New Horizon
[Outro]
Right, rent's due
And I think you owe me some nuts or fruit or fish or something
Get home from an expedition
And the phone on my desk is ringing
Sounds like a friend with a special mission
Found an astounding exhibition
Packed my things and I flapped my wings
Excited to find what the campsite brings
There’s a brand-new island for analysing
And this chap’s flying in to track findings
Natural history is my domain
Extinct little trinkets and giant remains
I don’t know though, might think again
I think that’s a Dodo flying the plane!
Now I’ve had a jolly holiday in Zanzibar
But this sabbatical is practically spectacular
From above, it is honestly a bit bizarre
How the island is improbably rectangular
Pioneering new frontiers! But what should I expect?
Exploring tropic flora? Newfound fauna to inspect?
To ply my palaeontology, to prospect and erect
A repository for fossils for each fish and each inse-
Eugh! No, no!
[Hook]
You got a village that needs assistance
Expertise and seasoned wisdom
Want to learn? Take a seat and listen
This bird is the word on the ecosystem
Squeal with glee at each acquisition
Who says you can’t teach facts with fiction?
This museum has a speaker system
Pumping out beats ‘bout your ecosystem
[Verse 2]
On briny waters, I’m quite astute
And dinosaurs I’m a fine who’s hoo!
But when we all live with tigers too
It might be awkward to try a zoo
Head down the stairs and you’ll see scores
Of dunkleosteus and plesiosaurs!
The fish are all down the right-hand hall
And on the left are the creepy crawl-
Uh no, never mind!
You can quiz me with your queries on aquariums
You’ll nary see so vibrant or varied a vivarium
There’s no greater a curator or librarian
Just beware of all the horrors housed in the solarium
So if you’ve been a-digging or a-fishing in the sea
Then pluck up your discoveries and shuttle them to me
But if you want to know about the birds and bees
This bird prefers that the bees would leave!
Look, I understand all the important work they do for the planet
I just wish they’d do it somewhere else!
[Hook]
You got a village that needs assistance
Expertise and seasoned wisdom
Want to learn? Take a seat and listen
This bird is the word on the ecosystem
Squeal with glee at each acquisition
Who says you can’t teach facts with fiction?
This museum has a speaker system
Pumping out beats ‘bout your ecosystem
[Bridge]
Yes, all things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
Are collated and notated
And displayed within our halls
From mighty titan ancestors
To wretched scuttling things
Invited, if reluctantly
Inside these hallowed wings
And though bugs may be repulsive
I will put up with the fainting
If heinous abominations
Pave the way to taking paintings
The masterworks of artists
Throughout all history
Inexplicably displayed
Upon an island out at sea
[Hook]
You got a village that needs assistance
Expertise and seasoned wisdom
Want to learn? Take a seat and listen
This bird is the word on the ecosystem
Squeal with glee at each acquisition
Who says you can’t teach facts with fiction?
This museum has a speaker system
Pumping out beats ‘bout your ecosystem
You got a village that needs assistance
Expertise and seasoned wisdom
Want to learn? Take a seat and listen
This bird is the word on the ecosystem
Sworn by noblest tradition
Organising organisms
This museum has a speaker system
Pumping out beats ‘bout your ecosystem